WTF
Start as we mean to go on…
So the grown-up part of the holiday- New Years- is over, and now the vortex known as the internet will be swarming with people frantically uploading evidence of the great time they had, whether or not it was great being secondary to it looking like it was great. And that being secondary to looking like it was better than what everyone else was doing. I, however, would like to like to offer up an alternative; feel free to believe you had a better time than me this weekend. Use me as your comparative one-upper. I’m not saying you did necessarily, but l’m not gonna spend a minute trying to convince you that you didn’t (although you were probably warmer). Instead l’m beginning of 2013 with my big resolution. Write more. Be it the good, the bad or the downright tedious. Write no matter what is happening. Or isn’ t happening. Fucking hell, write to make something happen.My anecdotes may at time be mundane, they may at times be meaningless, but they are HERE which means l at least wrote something. And thats what matters the most.
So, this New Year weekend l stabbed my freezer to death. As in I took a huge psycho-style kitchen blade, knelt before my trembling fridge/freezer and literally stabbed it in its guts. Now this is not a lame metaphor for killing my “inner freezer” to thaw my “frozen heart” or some such crap cos while sounding a bit shit, would make sense. No. l actually stabbed my freezer that l put food in to keep it cold. But before you think me suffering from Requiem-style fridge delusions, l’ll explain l was simply trying to negotiate the problem of my freezer ‘drawer’ having been rendered a freezer ’slit’ by the sustancial ice-tumour that had encased it. So as l am an indepedent type of gal with a massive knife, l decided to tackle the problem head-on. I was chipping away at the ice, as happy as one can be doing such a thing, when l misfired and fatally wounded my cold storage appliance. It hissed and spluttered out a strange smelling gas which l instantly assumed to be noxious, causing me to run around my apartment, flinging open all windows and balcony doors lest l suffocate from inhaling the deadly fumes. However, as the Siberian freeze engulfed my apartment l considered freezing to death alongside my dying freezer another real -albeit poetic- possibility. Yet, for the second time in a fortnight, (l count surviving the Mayan doomsday the first) l cheated the grave but was left to consider the inconvenience l’d caused myself in what to do with the contents of my fridge. Then l figured that when you live in South Korea in Winter the entire fucking world is your walk-in fridge. And now my food is frozen au natural on my balcony. Silver lining as they say.
So that happened.
Did l mention its cold here?
It’ll make sense if you just keep reading.
Next l had the realisation that people in South Korea go shopping for outfits to go shopping in. As in they go to shops with the intention of buying oufits they will wear to go to more shops. Then they will wear these garments to buy more garments for the purpose of buying more garments. Not since l was told by my Sunday School teacher that, “God has always been there” have l been so overwhelmed by the implications of a ‘logic’ so implausible. I vividly remember my seven year-old self trying to make sense of the infinite; what it means to have “always been there”. I’d fixate on an image of God, (who looked a little like Santa’s more sculpted, handsome younger brother (makes sense now?), travelling backwards through clouds, hurtling towards the beginning of time. But knowing it would never conclude because there was no beginning- “God had always been there”- just totally did my head in. Then, as it is now.
“God has always been there…”
“The chicken or the egg…”
“Shopping for outfits to go shopping in…”
(Can l be first to say that, it works! Brad is, like, totes ‘Our Father’! I should get credit for pointing this out. And by credit l mean cash.)
“Go Back!” screams the poster, “lest you be served your exorbitantly priced green tea latte by this sexless oddity!” As Christmas is over l have to draw attention to this ad-bomination while l’ve the chance cos someone really ought to be held to account over this. I mean this guy is EVERYWHERE in Korea; he’s got a show on TV and mostly hawks make-up (true) and clothes but also does a few things in addition; promo for coffee chain being one of them which spawned this ad-trocity (stopping puns now). Now l’m aware of the laws of beauty and can see the appeal of his perfect, almost digitally symmetrical face. Also, l’ve no issue with feminine-looking guys, this is South Korea after all- in my eyes the nation responsible for one of the greatest cultural paradoxes on Earth; custom condemnation of homosexuality yet -unable to resist the high standards in grooming and scathing criticism of outward appearances gay culture is famed for - creator of THE most homo-centric culture since the the Greeks, to the point where you cannot tell whether any guy under 30 is being your usual oversensitive, bitchy gay, or just Korean. But back to this ad. What is it? Why is it? A cautious attempt at festive-cross-dressing? Cos if it is l guess l’m just used to more overt displays you know? Like screaming trannies or glamourpuss lady-boys or big burly men with bowed legs, stubble wearing negligees. I’m not used to this unnerving is he?/isn’t he? with everso-delicate moob-age, housewife hair and 70s-style lounge-wear santasuit which just screams ‘castration’ or ‘flat tiny penis’, (and believe me, Korea’s menfolk do not need anymore bad press in that department).
l’M KIDDING!!!
[swoooosh- sound of cloak covering back]
Happy New Year babas!!! May we make it happen in 2013 like nothing ever seen before! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥(Sasha)♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Kim Jong ‘Dear Leader, who is a perfect incarnation of the appearance that a leader should have’ il, is toast
That’s actually one of the official titles by the way. ‘It’ apparently died from “great mental and physical strain caused by [it's] uninterrupted field guidance tour for the building of a thriving nation” end of official statement. Which I kind of don’t doubt as pouring your heart into keeping your nation brainwashed domestically, ostracised internationally and starved to the brink of death (save that million who did die), for some decades, can’t be without some physical consequence? No?
Like thefirstpost said, “In his elevator shoes and bouffant hairdo, he was the wacky dictator - unless you lived in North Korea.”
(Sasha)
If you can get in in your region, please play the video below - you’ve seen nothing like it.
First World Problems FINALLY gets an anthem
And so it is, once again, famoso’s congregate at Christmas tyme to highlight that which blights humanity. But it seems the developing world’s near monopoloy of this event has forced some issues to become almost taboo. Like the cost of file sharing. So thank you Diddy. Thank you Chris. Thank you Kim. Not least Macy for coming out of retirement (was it?) to do this.You see today we take a stand and we will be heard!
I will NOT pay for extra for file-sharing. I will NOT send multiple emails.
This ENDS HERE!!!
(Sorry, I’m just a bit overwhelmed right now)
(Sasha)
Mega Song from Angel Martinez on Vimeo.
“All Kinds of Stupid” by S. Korea
I’m not saying Korea is stupid but credit to ‘em for managing to make the [s]hallowed art of mindless consumerism even more moronic. This is because shopping in Korea is nowhere near as much fun as it ought to be. First off, you’re not allowed to try most clothes on which cuts your options by half. Then many items turn out to be F.A.D.s (from a distance) where closer inspections reveal shoddy workmanship and fabric you could scrub pans with. Then there’s the crap they print on tee-shits which appears to be either some coded fucking meta-language of completely fabricated words; ‘frushed’, ‘chan’ and ‘thinfeel’, to what someone’s having for tea (mushroom quiche).Expect soon to-do lists
” buy phone charger, shoes heeled, check student loan repayment, pap test.”
To rambling thoughts;
“wonder if they’ll really be bothered, not that I really care but don’t want to seem unreliable especially when… ah you done done me but you bet. Fucking hate that song. “
1. Mint The - frushed with the limitation’
2. weman.
3. Red cabbage project
4. “Chan meal love best beateliful make thinfeel (one word) good.”
5. Them: “Don’t touch”
Jemma: “Oh, but I must”
6. Mushroom quiche (for tea?)
‘Narco Culture’ by Shaul Schwarz for Getty Images
“Let’s face it, the heroes these days are not the lawyers or the politicians, the heroes are theguys flashing the money,” says Narco music promoter Joel Vasquez outside a Narco-Corrido club in Los Angeles.
“The market is bigger than ever. I think we can be the next Hip-Hop.”
While death statistics have been documented ad nauseam, far less has been said about the broader social reality created by the drug trade and affecting the lives of millions of Latin-Americans. For many here, narco traffickers provide the only models of fame and success. Greed, drugs and violence have now created a new culture – a Narco Culture.”
Barbie does Louboutins, Mad Men, Orgies etc
First off, all this happenend a few week ago so if you’re already onto this, many apologies - but I’m spring-cleaning the backroom of our post section and its about time this little slut was aired off. Anyway, as I said Mr Christian Louboutin has teamed up with Mattel (creators of Bab’s) in a net-a-porter exclusive. Dolly Forever Barbie (below right) and Cat Burglar Barbie (below left). Who the hell these are targetted at, I have no idea - they kind of remind me of Eastern Europeans and Bratz Dolls but 30 years ago? So basically Neo-vintage Bratz Dollz for adults? (Neo-Vintage? I like that). 
Speaking of things I like, The above picture is actually referencing Barbie’s collab with Mad Men TV series, which I secretly think is quite good too, so there you go.
Anyway, the ever reliable Lifelounge added a little social commentary on the whole debacle, (she gets everywhere), 
“In the past, she’s also been a vet, a nurse, a NASCAR Driver, a TV chef, a wedding stylist and a palaeontologist. She’s even denounced her white-collar roots and worked the cashier of Macca’s.
Did you know that apart from these fetishised ideas of what a woman should be, Barbie has also helped the United States win the propaganda war? She’s been a Storm Trooper, a member of the Marine Corps, and has even run for the presidency (apparently voters weren’t convinced by her promise of world peace). She’s even donned an evening gown and practiced grass-roots activism in Ethiopia for UNICEF.”
Personally, I always assumed humans would be better qualified for international relations but seems plastic covers flesh. Anyhoo, this is a chance for me to finally air my own take on the Barbie phenomenon. I can’t say that I didn’t enjoy the hours whiled away as a young ‘un with my very own B-dolls; dressing, cutting and subsequently regretting. So when the time came (I’ll not say how old I was), myself and my dear friend Adam had our final Barbie shindig -and then she was gone forever. Although I’ve also included some snaps of Barbie’s more erm …. ‘unconventional’ versions. I think you can tell them apart from mine i.e. mine don’t include Ken-Doll cum.
(Sasha)
Actually, I highly recommend a trip to net-a-porter (here) to witness the thoroughly entertaining mini-film intro for the Barbie/Louboutin collab featuring the man himself - it’s actually way better than those pics suggest!
Paris Vogue: The (other) Cover Story
It’s the all important AIDS issue. So it’s important you send out a thought-provoking and powerful message. So what says AIDS more than a cover with a load of photoshopped actresses who don’t have AIDS? I mean you could ring out their collective foreheads and re-freeze the polar icecaps with all that botox but I don’t think that would help. (Not that it matters when you’re gonna airbrush any smidgen of humanity out of the picture anyway). And then you add Bono to the mix (who features on another cover), whose ego compensates for about about 20 million people which is about the same number as those infected with the virus, so I can kind of see the connection there. And as this is the AIDS issue, of course hire photographers recently outed for spunking on models i.e. Terry Richardson who was hired for a couple of shoots for this edition.So, its AIDS, but not as we know it.
Like, don’t put a HIV+ model on the cover or anything like that… that’s too much AIDS. No, no. We need frozen-faced Hollywood, a prototype for the US-style celebrity-driven hard-sell, and solidarity for perverts.
So, in honour of the good taste and sound judgement demonstrated by editor Carine Roitfeld, I’m nominating Alexsandro Palombo’s cover - featuring the lady herself and her darling Uncle Spunk.
So here, we can see what appears to be hetrosexual couple (the fastest growing risk group), perhaps about to initiate love-making, (a possible point of infection), the thumbs up and happy expressions (showing AIDS/HIV is not a death sentence), an implied promiscuous male (most likely carriers), and the trademark red (featured on underpants, fingernails, etc.)
Who could argue - when the two are juxtaposed - which sends a clearer, honest and more relevant message for a magazine that is supposed to be promoting awareness?
I think I’m actually serious about this too…
(Sasha)
United Nude Collection 2010
I should be keeping my mouth shut, especially when one is currently cajouling a couple of labels to jump aboard the good ship CLFmag, but what the hell is this supposed to be? How can you make a shoe collection which is 75% everything I love and 25% the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life? Mebeez it’s some marketing ploy - like some ying/yang theory? Or perhaps someone infiltrated the shoot and switched shoes because those monstrosities in the bottom left do not belong. Do we really have to revist the 90’s so soon? I had a pretty raw time with (certain) croc skin, block heels, AND white patent the first time around and I’m not ready for round 2 just yet. And by just yet I mean ever.Go check the rest of the collection which is actually pretty sweet, here
(Sasha)
